Relapse.

for the past couple of months, I tried to be in-denial. I’ve been struggling, but not wanting to admit it to myself. I’ve been happy for almost a year. I didn’t want to fall back into this place, not after I worked so hard to get out of it. from september I could feel something inside me changing. the joy of everyday life slipping away from me. I could feel myself slipping away. I thought maybe the bad days I experienced would just be a few bad days, but those days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months.

to fall back into a place of darkness after being in a “good place” for over a year feels strange to say the least. I know I have been in this place before, I could say it was much worse than what I am experiencing right now, but this all feels so new. like i’m experiencing it for the first time.

waking up in the morning with my heart shaking with anxiousness. I tell myself to not give in to the negative voices in my head, but it feels like they’re overpowering me. it’s so frustrating. it’s like an itch you can’t scratch. I know this isn’t me, I know this is far from who I am, but I don’t know how to escape myself. I have become so afraid of myself.

i’m just so afraid. I don’t like to show people i’m struggling, but it’s getting to a point where I don’t think I can even hide it anymore. i’m in so much pain. it hurts so bad. i’m hurting. there’s nothing going particularly wrong in my life, so why the hell do I feel like this? what triggered this? I don’t want to be like this. I feel wrong for even questioning my pain.

everything felt so right before, I really felt okay. I felt like I couldn’t break again.

but i’m breaking again.

the me I remember, he feels so far away. unreachable.